Pamit

If love actually does have an expiration date, does ours finally reach one?
Sometimes I wondered, will you keep walking by my side? Will you stay there, in a place I've been visiting to look for you? Can we conquer every struggles we're facing together? What if everything comes to an end? Or...what if this really has to end? Will you keep holding my hand by then?

To simply put my feelings into a single word is precarious. They're indescribable.
I am growing, the world is doing the same thing, and so are you.
I was failing for a couple of times, unlike you.
But the only you that backed me up was that gentle voice of yours and your strengthening words, while in fact, I was missing your presence instead.

And when He embraced me, I found my new path, my new life, my new purpose, and happiness, where I didn't find you there.
But it was my turning point in life, it was the time when I found my whole new world which was practically preferable than my previous one.
He actually brought us closer, lessening the gap between us and leaving only a slight distance, yet that certain word remained silent in my blacklist.

D i s t a n c e.
It was transparent, but surprisingly dangerous.
We were indeed real close, yet still so far to simply catching up with each other's stories.
You were only two hours drive away from me, but we couldn't even afford a proper sunday date.
Even that time, I still put the blame on distance.

I was still up in the air, feeling grateful than ever.
It was always another hectic day after another one.
Still, I had blast in each of them, ecstatically absorbed in every moves I made.
The feelings of doing what I love, reaching every steps I've dreamt of, and embracing new happiness aside from you was beyond my imagination.
It was overwhelming and kept distracting me from replying your texts.
That bunch of messages, however, were kept being forgotten and left unread.
Sometimes, I didn't even manage to say sorry for my out-of-date reply(s).
And you would easily let it slide, acting as if nothing really happened.

If earth is a circle, then us that time was the same thing.
We were a boring cycle, and I was trying to find a way out from that torture.

I once felt sorry, but this selfishness in me was replaying all the scenes when the-revised-you dismissed every single calls and texts from me.
It kept reminding me how you actually, have never really been there for each downs I've sustained.

I was overcoming everything by myself.
And you never really walked with me, let alone holding my hand.

I couldn't precisely tell when did we turn.
When did our late night convo became the most boring opera ever.
When did our habit faded, one by one, little by little, in every new day we took.
All I know was that I started building my own boundaries, from you.
I might be oblivious that time, but part of me knew for sure that I started walking away from you.
And the only thing I could stare at was your shadow standing still.
From time to time, I thought it was the distance who cracked our bond.

Before it hit me.

It wasn't the distance that grew us apart, it was ourselves.
It's about what we felt inside.
About that one thing we were unable to explain.


And when you finally let me go, I was puzzled.
My heart did sting, but I didn't cry.
I remembered how my heart wrenched in pain,
but not a single tear flowed down.

I was honestly questioning myself,
is this the right thing to do?
Will I finally be happy?

I should've been, but my heart said otherwise.
Yet the coward me never lost a chance to put a smile on,
and didn't back away from the separation.

When the promise of keeping a hold of each other was spoken,
I thought things are going to stay in line,
I thought both of us would be good,
I thought we would still be friends like how we used to.
But the truth was being a little too cruel.

Days without you were a lot better.
I was free.
I thought I was.
But again, this 'lil selfish piece in me started to crave more of you.
'Missing you' could be the perfect phrase that time,
but I was blindfolded by my own reluctance.
I couldn't bring myself to speak it up, not a tiny bit.
So it never happened; the talk.

I was fearful of myself,
that I would easily break down my walls and ran to your arms instead.
That leaded to another mile of gap.
The damn odd thing was, you were smiling; in both misery and sincerity.
It got me chills.


If I would've been honest, what saddened me wasn't the cold, empty space between us.
It was the reflection of you on my eyes,
how you looked like a stranger to me.
And how those promises met in a dead end.

Crumbs of regret crawled in,
speck of anger preched on,
and disappointment filled my entire lungs.
I was in an emotional wreck.
I was thinking that....maybe, the cliché phrase 'time will heal' would turn out right, this time.

Let's just be honest to ourselves.
Let's stop avoiding each other.
Aren't we mature enough to face this together?

Stop hiding from me, from yourself, from reality.
If it hurts, then let it be.
We're too tough to break down for these kind of things.

I am immensely heartbroken.
And this truthfully feels way more painful than our actual separation.
The thought of having you backing away from my life is a foreign feeling,
but I never regret having you in my life, not even once.
I believe that you crossed my path for a certain reason I couldn't avoid.

Call me selfish,
but this heart knew better.
It was never been there in our promises,
that kind of fate isn't something I have a hand on.
It was beyond my reach.
And we should've been mature enough to accept this.



I am tough without your hand backing me up.
I can find happiness without you being in it.





I love you.